The secret diary of a single parent bloke
Just back from a weekend away, and feeling pretty messed up!
After the success of my weekend away in March (read more), the adventure group had organised another weekend break. As me, Sarah, Lucy, Leanne and Tim had all got on so well, we booked a cabin together. As the weekend got closer, I began to get apprehensive about sharing with Lucy, but decided that it would be OK.
A couple of days previously, I’d had a text from Jane- someone else from the previous weekend away, who I’d asked out but had turned me down. She was also going, and wanted to meet up. I was shocked, but pleased. We exchanged texts, spoke on the phone a couple of times, and she seemed to looking forward to seeing me again. It all seemed very odd that we hadn’t seen each other or spoken in over 3 months.
It was certainly looking as if it would be an interesting weekend
I checked in to the cabin, and was the last of our group there. I’d had to wait for Katrina to collect Natalia and Jack before I could set off, whereas none of the others had children and seemed to have taken the day off work too. They were all lazing around doing nothing. I felt free and raring to go!
There were loads of events organised, and I soon met up with Jane. She looked great, but didn’t seem particularly interested in talking to me, and we didn’t spend long together. I felt confused, and headed back.
Meanwhile, Sarah, Lucy, Leanne and Tim hadn’t moved from the sofa. I joined them, listened to Tim’s odd choice in music for a bit (he was the only one who’d brought a stereo, complete with 60gig of depressing warbling). I suggested that we joined one of the many activities, but everyone just shrugged or declined.
I then had a text from Jane, asking me over to her cabin where her group were having a few drinks. By this point I was bored in my own cabin, (were the others ever going to do anything?) and confused about Jane, I went to the other cabin.
Suddenly, I felt very ill, and hurriedly ran off to their cabin’s bathroom, and spent most of the evening in there. I can only describe it as “the laxative scene from Dumb & Dumber”. To this day, I wonder if my drink had been spiked! Needless to say, I went back to my own cabin as soon as I could, and barely saw Jane again that weekend.
It wasn’t until the next afternoon that I realised the fundamental difference between me and the other occupants of my cabin: they were 24 hour party people- out every night of the week, all were single and certainly making the most of their freedom on a daily basis, whereas I was chained to my desk at work and confined to the house most other times. For me, this weekend was about partying, freedom and fun. But to them, it was about chilling out and relaxing from their busy day-to-day lives. I went out on my own, and tried to find other people I knew, but it was very cliquey and I didn’t fit in anywhere. Reluctantly, I headed back to the cabin.
I sank into the sofa, knackered from a late night, and closed my eyes. Sarah came and sat next to me, put her head on my shoulder, and went to sleep.
It was the first time that anyone had done that for years. Jody had never done it, and Katrina hadn’t done it since we first started seeing each other a very long time ago. It was a sudden and unexpected reminder that I was desperately lonely. Despite everything I’d achieved over the previous year- making friends; bringing up my children; plans at work; going out and having a laugh; I was still unloved and unwanted. The fun felt like a facade for the sadness beneath.